Final Countdown

To my dear first born to be: Not long till we'll get to hold you in our arms. As excited I am to meet you, I am slightly terrified as well. Your mother had always been a girl who has this obsessive need to constantly strive to chase down her dreams and goals. These are what makes me feel alive, and helps me feel that my life has a purpose. However, with you coming along, at least for now, I've to give up my career, my body, my musical goals, and freedom. - everything I've worked so hard for the last decade. Most importantly, I am scared of losing my identity. I do not want to be identify as 'just a mum'. I do not want to give up all aspects of myself that makes me, me. I know it doesn't have to turn out that way. But I'm scared that in the upcoming chaos, that will become who I am. On the flip side, as I feel you wiggling inside of my womb, I can't wait to experience the wave of affection rushing towards me the first time I get to lay my eyes on you. I can't wait to be there for each of your milestones and nurture you into this incredible human being. I can't wait to take you around the world, to experience and explore all earth has to offer. I can't wait to love you with everything that I've got. I may not be the best mother. I will make mistakes - lots of them. But I promise you I'll do my very best. Your mum is no quitter, she will not give up on her dreams, and neither will she ever, ever give up on you or put you aside. I feel so privileged to be chosen by you.

Dreams

If I can go back in time, I would go back to 23 years ago to tell that low self-esteemed but hopeful little 9 year old girl that dreams can come true. 

I made it to Tahiti. :)

Never give up on your dreams. 

Day 5

Day 5 of Covid positive  

In a way, I'm happy to have finally caught it. This horrible virus which has put my life plans on hold for the past 2+ years and ended millions of lives worldwide. I feel like once this is over, I can finally live my life a little less scared and paranoid. I know I could not be luckier for this timing. At least this has happened after our trip. 

As much as I hate this pandemic and this virus, if it wasn't for it, I wouldn't have started learning the violin. In many ways, I feel like this has saved me over and over again. How incredible is music. :) Being sick and in isolation leaves me the perfect time to reflect on our trip. Vancouver, Banff, Jasper, Sunpeaks, Whistler, Victoria, Alaska, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Los Angeles. It had been nothing short of amazing. We've met incredible people, set eyes on the untouched, beautiful sights of nature, explored the most glamorous lights of the man made city in the middle of the desert, and also the had a glimpse of the poverty and homelessness in America. 

The past 2 years I had been in a constant state of routine. Wake up, work, lunch, work, workout, dinner, violin practice, piano practice, sleep, and repeat. I wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't happy either. All I wanted was to travel and explore the world, and to tick off my life goals. But that was one thing that I couldn't do. Therefore, working as hard as I can was the only way to compensate that. I didn't realise how much stress and tension I caused myself during that period of time. I probably still do it, but its hard not to when you are trying to make up for lost time. 

The trip was exactly what I needed. I've seen and explored a lot. But I've also learnt a lot as well. I've started to appreciate how lucky I am. I mean, I've always knew that I was lucky, but it has taught me to also look at the positives in not so ideal situations as well. It is what it is. Life rarely goes the way you want it to, but it will always work out how its meant to be, and often for the better. So why stress over something you can't control? 

I am going to take it one day at a time. I'm going to do the best I can. If I fail or fall, its ok too. I'll pick myself up. I know I'm not alone as well. I've got the most amazing husband a girl could ask for. For the past 10 years, he'd always been by my side, and I'm so so so grateful. 

Life has never been better. :)

Content

2022 

Looking back at 2012 me. 

Stressed out, depressed, unfit, and at the lowest point of my life. 

But 2012 was also the turning point of a much better life. 

Sometimes things break apart ---- for better things. 

10 years older, much happier and hopefully wiser now. 

So grateful and content with my life right now. The things I've achieved today, would have seemed unreachable to the 10yo me. I've always been a little girl, with big dreams. I am so grateful and lucky that all my dreams can become a reality. Though life have definitely thrown a few curve balls at me, I wouldn't change a thing. M- you are the love of my life. I love being married to you. Can't wait to travel the world soon - with my favourite person in the world. :)

Resolutions

Its unbelievable how it is already the end of 2012. This had been an incredible year. The most challenging year in my life so far. I'm amazed and proud of myself that I've managed to survive. :) Yes. This is the time to reflect upon myself on the past year. :)

Even though going through this year had been incredibly rocky, I'm completely happy with the way it is going to end. This holidays had been the most fulfilling holiday ever. I've managed to pass 4th year, found a job that I enjoy doing, met up with a lot of my high school friends, went on my first road trip with friends, and had fun along the way. Obviously the best part was my birthday which was on 12/12/12! ^_^ (Not the fact that I am a year older :'( )

Even though I am not going to get the midnight kiss that I've always dreamed of( haha jkjk), 2012 going to end perfectly by me getting my first pay check!! Well that's not completely true but it is my first pay check in 4years! :D *Dance hysterically* Now I can finally go out to eat without feeling guilty!! And of course save up for my future house.^_^

I could only wish for 2013 to be an even more amazing one. There are so many things that I need improving on so hopefully 2013 would guide me to be the person I would like to be.

2013 Resolutions:

1. Pass fifth year
2. Make the most of fifth year and job experiences to be a competent and confident dentist
3. Find a job (as a dentist) 
4. Be a better daughter and sister by helping around the house and spending more time with them
5. Save up money for the future (by not wasting too much money on unnecessary things )
6. Be more independent by learning basic stuff like cooking and try not to burden parents on money stuff 
7. Be more organised
8. Maintain good relationships with people (Old and new)
9. Control my temper (I hate the fact that I tend to jump into irrational conclusions when I'm upset and would say hurtful things)
10. Be healthy by eating healthier and exercise more 
11. Go to a wedding (Hopefully hehe! My cousin just got engaged a couple of days ago!)

These are a few things that I need to work on and hopefully by the end of 2013 I would have improved or achieved them. Lets hope 2013 would be a good one.:)

Happy New Year 

All I Want for Christmas is You

Got home from work and saw this. :)

Merry Christmas <3

Spring

It had been exactly 1 year since my first blog post. How time flies! Its SPRING again!

Its amazing how so many things had changed within this 1 year. University, family, friendships and relationship.. It was all a mess. This year had been an emotional roller coaster for me but I am glad that how everything turned out. :)

I remember I used to be really depressed and tired all the time. For some weird reason, even though all those incidents crashed down onto me all at the same time, I stayed optimistic (to me anyways). I am really glad all these things happened to me because it made me much stronger. I know that I can make it though no matter what. No matter how tough and hard things can get, I WILL survive. YES I WILL.

This year also made me realise how incredibly lucky I am. Firstly, I am healthy. I haven't gotten sick for a while now (touch wood). I realised how important my health is. Because of that I started to exercise a little more and honestly, it makes me so much happier than I used to be.

Secondly I realised how much my family loves me and how much they mean to me. Whatever happened in the past should just stay in the past. I am never going to look back ever again because it will only hinder me from appreciating what I have now.

Thirdly, I have incredible friends. For so many months I had been hiding so many secrets in my heart because I was scared to speak up. I was so scared that if I speak up, others would judge me. I was so wrong. Now I know that some of my friends will always got my back no matter what and will always support my decisions. :)

Please don't feel sorry for me. It is hard getting over some things. But honestly I am really happy. I am at the point of my life where I feel so free and lucky. Yes there are many stress and at times I feel overwhelmed by them. But I know that I have the strength to get through them. I shall remain optimistic and overcome any obstacles that come along my way.

You can do it Jay.

Never give up.