Weak

I remember around 10 years ago my cousin asked me "What do you want to be when you grow up?". I replied "I don't know. What do you want to be?" He said, "I want to be somebody to be remembered. I want to accomplish something that my name will be passed down for centuries and never to be forgotten.".

I remembered looking up at him in admiration, thinking, "Wow. That could never be me."

How I wish that I could say that its different now. Even now everything is still the same. I am still that weak little girl. No one will ever remember me. I am still the girl who gets picked last. I am still the girl who everyone leaves behind unless I scream out to them. Why?

For the first time in my life I heard someone called me "weak". It came to me as a surprise at first. I had many words to describe myself as.. But never weak. What really hit me hard was that, its true.

I'd always thought that crying in public is the definition of being weak. I am not talking about crying in movies  but in real life situations. I'd seen people that burst into tears about the littlest things in life. So I thought that I was strong. I didn't cry back then when I was bullied in secondary school. I didn't cry when I was called horrible names back then. I refused to break down in front of the people who were deliberately giving me a hard time. I didn't cry during graduations. Even my bestfriend has never seen my cry before. The only time I did cry in school was in Yr 1 when a fellow classmate slapped me due to bringing our group down for spelling wrong twice. Once everyone saw me crying, they told me to quit it because the teacher was approaching. So i stopped.

I thought I was strong. So what happened to me this year? Why did I break down in front of people and embarrassed myself? Is it because dentistry is killing me or because I am getting weaker? I would have thought that the stress in dentistry would make me a stronger person. However, I've never felt so weak and vulnerable in my life. I'd never thought that being nice is the very reason people make use of and bully you. I want to be a gentle, sincere and loving dentist who cares about her patients with all her heart. But apparently that is not enough. I hate how reality is. I hate how ugly people can get. I hate the real world which is a two face bitch.

Sorry for the emo post. I need time to figure myself out. Its time for me to quit being the soft, timid and nice person to be tougher and more confident. Stop running away Jayjay. Face your battles.